It has often been said that betrayal never comes from an enemy. A betraying of trust can be one of the most hurtful things to reconcile. Being led to believe that someone loves you and has your best interest at heart only to come to realize that was the furthest thing from the truth can be devastating. The emotional fallout of a betrayed trust can have far reaching implications and often leaves a wake of collateral damage in the form of innocent people who had nothing to do with you being hurt, but are often devstated themselves because they were connected to the relationship.
So what do you do when you’ve been betrayed? One of the things to remember is that you have options, although I would advise that you not make an emotional decision. Emotional decisions are rarely the best or right decisions to make. Allow yourself time to process the hurt and pain you feel from being betrayed. Weigh the gravity of the intent behind the betrayal, take into account who it was who betrayed you, reflect on the quality of the relationship prior to the betrayal, examine whether this person has been egregious in their behavior prior to this incident, pray and seek guidance from God, and lastly make the decision whether or not to stay in the relationship, or move on without them. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to continue to be in fellowship with someone who hurts you. As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them…
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I received this question last week, so i’ll address it today. First off, this question is very subjective because each person is different, and has limits to how long they are willing to wait for anything. Secondly, if you are a woman that ultimately wants to be married, I believe it’s incumbent upon you to share your expectation with whomever you are dating as you guys are getting to know one another, because it’s hard to be disappointed with someone with whom you’ve not shared your expectations. Understand that not all men are looking for a wife, but rather some are just looking for women with whom they can have casual sex.
You as a woman sets the tone for the relationship according to how fast you allow things to progress sexually and emotionally, and if you give too much too soon, you may find yourself disappointed. If I begin working for, and give my all to a company that has not yet agreed to hire me, not only are they not obligated to compensate me, but I can hardly be upset with that company, I would have to take personal responsibility for not having an agreement in place before I began to pour my all into a fruitless situation. Likewise you can only blame yourself for giving the most sacred parts of yourself, and pouring years of your life and time into a situation without being engaged and having an understanding that ultimately this man is going to marry you. When a man recognizes that he can live without you, but makes a conscious decision that he doesn’t want to, then he will take the steps to advance the relationship to the next level.
So to answer the question of how long is too long to wait for an engagement, I would think that if I’m a man who is looking to be married, then for me if I’ve been dating you exclusively for 2-3 years, and I’ve prayed and sought God’s counsel concerning you, and you’ve proven to me that you are wife material, then it’s a no brainer that for me it’s time to progress the relationship to the next level. That’s my perspective, what’s yours?
Many of my clients and friends have asked me to provide them with various tips that will allow them to obtain and maintain healthy relationships. It is because of you all that I’ve created this space that I call Ask Dr. J!
Right here on this blog is where I’ll post a variety of tips and tools that you can use in your daily lives, alongside of answering any specific questions that you may want to ask anonymously. Nothing is taboo or off limits so lay back, relax and Ask Dr. J!
We’ll talk soon!